A Snow Day in Belper

 















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Questioning

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lots of things.  Late night ponderings. Feeling sad. You know when you just want need a hug and that feeling of support from someone and want to be able to trust people around you 100%?  Also, not being able to scream into the world all the reasons why you get these feelings and worries.  I guess this is my vague way of doing that, trying to ease the stress and sadness a bit without actually sharing as such.  Some of the things I'd forgotten myself but had reminders of this eve and, my days,  people can be truly awful.  So immoral and with such horrid ways of looking at things and saying things... Distracting myself with writing. Writing and looking up those daft Leonardo with a smug face memes. Sillyyyyy. They're helping though. As is the writing. I do worry though. People are a disappointment really, aren't they? Generally.  They all just let you down.  That's how I'm feeling about the World this evening I guess. Wanting the best for someone, for them to be bet
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Sad Journal Part 2

 In follow up to my last one, more hurt time in relation to the same topic... So back in 2020, when I'd just turned 31, I started feeling like I was less sure about whether I wanted kids or not, after 30 odd years of thinking I definitely didn't.  He and I had a conversation about it where I said I was less sure about not wanting them, ie potentially may do at some point, and he said he felt the same so that was good.  We both agreed though that there's an 'order' we'd like to do things and it'd be something to consider after getting engaged and being married.  I said that I'm now in my 30s and as risks start increasing way more rapidly after 34, then maybe it should be a bit of a '5 year plan' (but less...) type deal as with an aim to be trying by at least 34. So, I thought after all this serious life talk, we may have been engaged within 12 months, ideally married in the following 12 months, and ready to start trying to start a family when I
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Sad Journal

Another personal journaling post so will be making this one private too. I find it helps to write and get things out though, I recommend it. At least it's less frequent that I'm feeling the need to write these I guess. Things just haven't turned out like I thought they would in life. Some things for the better, some have been disappointing and get me down because I hoped to be in certain places with my relationships. He's been struggling with his anxiety and feeling over-worked again saying 'yes' to too many work commitments, not sleeping well at all and not seeming himself and feeling down about comparing himself to others etc but I'm feeling the toll on myself too again :(   A couple of nights ago we were watching a film and he randomly started asking me what sort of wedding I'd want and stating what he doesn't think he'd want, he's thinking he just wants something small etc, I was like  "I don't know?! We're not even engaged
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