Sad Journal

Another personal journaling post so will be making this one private too. I find it helps to write and get things out though, I recommend it. At least it's less frequent that I'm feeling the need to write these I guess.

Things just haven't turned out like I thought they would in life. Some things for the better, some have been disappointing and get me down because I hoped to be in certain places with my relationships.

He's been struggling with his anxiety and feeling over-worked again saying 'yes' to too many work commitments, not sleeping well at all and not seeming himself and feeling down about comparing himself to others etc but I'm feeling the toll on myself too again :( 

 A couple of nights ago we were watching a film and he randomly started asking me what sort of wedding I'd want and stating what he doesn't think he'd want, he's thinking he just wants something small etc, I was like 

"I don't know?! We're not even engaged?!" 

it felt really weird. 

 He's never proposed to me or suggested he was going to ask me to be engaged to him, yet casually brings up something like that.

 A few weeks ago he'd done similar when he made a comment about wanting someone that doesn't like me/I don't like them to be his best man on his wedding day...so...you're thinking about mates you want involved in your wedding day, but not thinking about wanting the woman you've been with almost four years to even be part of your wedding day yet? Okay then. Gets me down. Also, he knows I just found out this week that my ex partner of almost 10 years just married a girl he's been with for 2. So he thinks it's good timing to try get me to casually discuss with him what I'd want on our wedding day when he can't even find it in him to propose to me yet? Just makes me sad. 

Not what I wanted, it takes the romance and nice-ness out of the whole thing when he makes it into some casual convo or talks about people that don't make me feel good being involved. 

 Yesterday I tried to speak to him about it as it was playing on my mind so I just said those two instances had bothered me, said why and how I felt it took the romance out of it, and would rather he didn't talk about it just like that. His response? 

"Ok I'll never think about it ever then". 

Mature and completely lacking understanding :( 

I said "Ok then I don't want to be with you as I want to be with someone that wants to get married, I said this from the start..." 

"Fine then." 

 and he hasnt spoken to me since. I don't know if that was 'fine, don't be with me then as I don't want to marry you' or 'fine then I'll marry you', either way it's horrible and blase about something important to me. I work in the wedding industry and see them all year for goodness sake. 

He knows I felt let down by my previous partner never asking me to marry him despite being together so long. I went to bed really early, sad, and with a headache at about 8pm. Woke up at 4am. A few years ago we talked about both feeling differently in terms of our thoughts on children (we were both pretty certain we didn't want them but had started to feel that maybe we did). He told me that when he was younger he did, thought he'd marry his first partner and they'd have kids, had 'promise rings' as though they were going to, but then she became less interested and was more interested in other guys it seemed and that went to pot and he struggled to deal with it and get over it and it seemed to taint his view on future relationships and getting married and having kids I guess. 

Maybe the same as my previous partner (he had been engaged to his first gf but she ended the relationship and married his best friend so I wondered if that affected his thought process and getting engaged again).

But anyway, no, we had a really lovely conversation one evening a few years ago about both seeing us starting a family in the next few years, but wanting to be married first and do it in order as it were. That was a couple of years ago now and cause of our ages (we're in our 30s now) I suggested it be a bit of a '5 year plan', giving us time to get some travelling done too. But we're now a few years in on this 5 year plan and there's been no sign of him wanting to propose marriage to me. :( 

I'm 33 now. I'd hoped to be engaged at the least if not married by now and to hopefully have been at least starting with our planning for a child as I know risks start increasing more dramatically at 35. I just feel really low, and sad writing this. 

 I'm a traditional old fashioned type person when it comes to this stuff, I appreciate romance and chivalry, commitment, people making gestures of love. Maybe we're different in that way in terms of our views on being married to each other, he sees it more as just some logistical thing, clearly not feeling the desire to actually be engaged to me.

Like with Alan, my previous partner, there were times where we'd be travelling or have plans that made me think 'aw this would be such an ideal time to propose or get engaged', and they'd come and pass.  But I thought this would be different as he knew what I'd already been through and what I wanted and he made out he wanted the same thing, now I'm not so sure. He's even made comments recently that have made me think he isn't sure about being a Dad after all and doesn't think he's cut out for it.  So that's concerning too.

But why make the commitment of buying a house with someone if you don't have intentions for us to get married soon...I feel like 4 years is a long time to be with someone and not see yourself marrying them, unless you simply don't ever want to get married.