Sad Journal Part 2

 In follow up to my last one, more hurt time in relation to the same topic...

So back in 2020, when I'd just turned 31, I started feeling like I was less sure about whether I wanted kids or not, after 30 odd years of thinking I definitely didn't.  He and I had a conversation about it where I said I was less sure about not wanting them, ie potentially may do at some point, and he said he felt the same so that was good.  We both agreed though that there's an 'order' we'd like to do things and it'd be something to consider after getting engaged and being married.  I said that I'm now in my 30s and as risks start increasing way more rapidly after 34, then maybe it should be a bit of a '5 year plan' (but less...) type deal as with an aim to be trying by at least 34. So, I thought after all this serious life talk, we may have been engaged within 12 months, ideally married in the following 12 months, and ready to start trying to start a family when I was 33...

Here we are and I turn 34 on my next birthday.  Not family planning.  Not married.  Not even engaged.

The night before last we were talking about life, past, families etc, and at one point he asked how I was feeling about kids at the moment, I said I didn't know. He asked what's making me unsure, and I said well I thought we'd have progressed in our relationship and the potential 'plan' by this point but here we are, we haven't, and I'm nearly 34.  I said I'm not ruling it out, but I don't know as the more time that's gone on the more concern I have for the health aspects of it all.  

All of yesterday he was hurting saying he's really not happy at me saying I feel that way, and that I'm putting it down to him still having not proposed to me/him feeling like it's his fault as he wants to get a move on and get things in place and speed it up.  But then the next minute says he doesn't want to marry me if I'm not definite on having a kid with him anyway...

So yeah. 

Nice to be made to feel like your partner of over four years doesn't want to marry you for you, to show how much they love and are committed to you, no it's just a thing they'll only do if you can give them offspring. What the actual hell?  

It's made me feel so worthless as a person in my own right.  Not worthy of properly fully committing to.

Oh, that was it, he also said another reason why he's not bothered with marrying me is cause he can't have the wedding he'd want with his couple of band mates there as I really don't like them...yet the day before said he wouldn't be bothered we could even just elope or just have a small thing as everything doesn't revolve around or need to involve them, it's for and about us... but yeah then hours later is telling me he doesn't want to be married to me.

It's like he's trying to portray it as just some formality, a box he'd be willing to tick if it means he gets a kid out of it rather than having any desire whatsoever to have the commitment to me.

It's so depressing and hurtful and just makes me want a child with him less and less as it makes me feel like I'M not important or loved enough. 

It doesn't make sense cause we'd both talked about wanting to get married before I even had the talk about not being so sure I didn't want kids...so for him to now be like 'yeah well I don't want to marry you if we're not having a family' feels like cruel power play and manipulative pressure to try make me think 'oh well I won't get to be married unless I give him a child so maybe I should', which is so grim and horrible.  It's just had the opposite effect if anything.  It's made me feel even more negatively towards the idea of having a child now, with him, and wouldn't want to be married to him if the only reason he would do that with me would be for something else.

It's horrible as I had this whole chat with him and about how I was feeling, after feeling like I definitely didn't want kids for years it was a big thing for me, yet cause he's not followed through with it all, *I'M* the one that's paying as I don't get to start a family.  He could just go get with some girl in her 20s.

It's horrible that me trying to talk to him about my concerns and how I was feeling, needing love and positivity, instead has just lead to me feeling even less like doing the thing I wanted, and that makes me cry.  

It's half 12 in the afternoon but I'm in bed cause I feel so low and don't want to be around him downstairs. 😔