Questioning

lots of things.  Late night ponderings.

Feeling sad.

You know when you just want need a hug and that feeling of support from someone and want to be able to trust people around you 100%? 

Also, not being able to scream into the world all the reasons why you get these feelings and worries.  I guess this is my vague way of doing that, trying to ease the stress and sadness a bit without actually sharing as such.  Some of the things I'd forgotten myself but had reminders of this eve and, my days,  people can be truly awful.  So immoral and with such horrid ways of looking at things and saying things...

Distracting myself with writing. Writing and looking up those daft Leonardo with a smug face memes.

Sillyyyyy.

They're helping though. As is the writing.

I do worry though.

People are a disappointment really, aren't they? Generally.  They all just let you down.  That's how I'm feeling about the World this evening I guess. Wanting the best for someone, for them to be better in themselves, with a happy stable nice life and nice relationships is never gonna be enough.  Wanting something doesn't make something happen or make it true.  I feel like I've regularly had battles with people hurting me when all I've wanted is a better relationship with them.  Everyone has their own issues and flaws to work around, but it's when people that aren't willing to recognise and work on them and instead it has a negative impact on those around them that distresses me.

Sometimes I wish I lived in a cute little house with nice gardens near the coast with a bunch of animals, just living a quiet life with no drama.  Just drawing and painting and hanging out with the fur babies.  I think even as a kid I'd have thought that'd be appealing as a 'grown up' for me.  Lately I feel more and more like I just want a simple easy life without so many complications, strained relationships, unpleasant people, obligations, pressures... it'd be nice to just runaway to somewhere by the sea.  I think I like people less and less the more I experience them and maybe I just want less in my life.  I remember my Mum having a badge in a drawer saying, "the more people I meet the more I like my dog".

I can't remember if I blogged about it at the time, but like, lockdown when life was so stripped back and simple and quiet everywhere, it was so nice! I felt so inspired creatively too and did loads more art, Dan and I even wrote and sang songs together. It was such a nice time. 

Too many people out there are just self-focussed, or money focused, I know all of us are guilty of that to some extent, but some are just too much... it grates on me. They're just messy. I like people that just take a minute and appreciate blossom on the floor when they're out walking, and make eye contact with and smile at dogs they pass, they appreciate the little things and just want to be good honest people.  But no people lie, sneak, swear, drink, smoke, hurt animals, fight...and obviously much worse.  I don't understand people that swear so much, like casually, I've never liked that.  My grandparents couldn't stand that, so maybe it's from them, and how I associate it with aggression and drunk people generally.  There's just no need it always come across as unnecessary anger towards something.  I mean, I don't tend to automatically dislike people that swear lots, but if it's tied in with other things that I wouldn't like in someone I'd choose to be around, then I guess it'd just be another factor as it makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes.

I've had the experience of people I love most in the world tell me to "F*ck off" and it shook me so much the first time it happened.  It genuinely felt like a hard bunch to the stomach.  It may sound daft or over-dramatic to a lot of people today, but the first experience of having that happen was so painful, especially given the context and how I was already crying and hurting at the time...  As was being told "I hate you" from a loved one.  It stays with you as well.  I don't think people realise.  Harsh negative words to me from people I love have stuck with me, in a way I wish I could forget it.

Like social media and how all those experiences, good and bad, are saved whether we want them to be or not. Reminders in all the saved chats or 'Facebook memories' of things we'd rather forget...I wonder if we'd all be in better/healthier places if Facebook had never been invented.

Life goes so fast and I feel like the messier and more complicated it is then the even faster it goes and takes away from the joy, simplicity and nice things.

I don't expect others to read these by the way, I guess it's just helping me process things myself.  I recommend it.  If anyone does happen to see this and get this far, give writing/blogging a go.

Some random things that make me me...

I like walking on piers,  feeling like you're on the edge of the world and away from all the stress in it (people!)

I also really like the smell of the sea when at the coast.  I miss living in a coastal city in that way and the trips up to Southport. 

I believe in heaven which less people seem to these days and cling on to the thought of seeing my grandparents again some day.  

I love animals, hate people being cruel to them, and would be happy in a house full of them

I rarely swear so if I do it means I'm *really* angry or hurt.

Feeling loved and valued is probably what I'd consider the nicest feeling in the World and one of the only things I ask for in life...so I guess if I lived on my own away from everything in a little village near a coast then I couldn't feel appreciated or loved...but then again I suppose dogs can show love too so maybe I would.

Nearly 2am.  Still hurting.  I need to get back on those Leo memes....