Life, Loves, and Lipstick

Oooh it's been an up 'n' down one recently! I love Christmas generally,  but I just feel anxious about this one. I want to spend it with my Mum cause we've spent it with my other half's family every year since we've been together and it feels kinda unfair but my days it's turning out to be stressful trying to do something else. I'm trying to sort it with my Mum, despite her concerns over issues she has meaning she doesn't want to see anyone/anyone to see her or to leave the house, whilst my other half says his family are chasing him to confirm for 100% what we're doing with my Mum as they're saying it affects how much food they get...surely 2 people doesn't particularly change things?  So just stick with we're not coming there this year but if we do surely it's not a big deal?  The pressure is just really stressing me out. 😔  I wish things were easier.  I miss the days of Mum and Dad cooking and Nana and Gangan coming round!  I a

 In follow up to my last one, more hurt time in relation to the same topic... So back in 2020, when I'd just turned 31, I started feeling like I was less sure about whether I wanted kids or not, after 30 odd years of thinking I definitely didn't.  He and I had a conversation about it where I said I was less sure about not wanting them, ie potentially may do at some point, and he said he felt the same so that was good.  We both agreed though that there's an 'order' we'd like to do things and it'd be something to consider after getting engaged and being married.  I said that I'm now in my 30s and as risks start increasing way more rapidly after 34, then maybe it should be a bit of a '5 year plan' (but less...) type deal as with an aim to be trying by at least 34. So, I thought after all this serious life talk, we may have been engaged within 12 months, ideally married in the following 12 months, and ready to start trying to start a family when I

Another personal journaling post so will be making this one private too. I find it helps to write and get things out though, I recommend it. At least it's less frequent that I'm feeling the need to write these I guess. Things just haven't turned out like I thought they would in life. Some things for the better, some have been disappointing and get me down because I hoped to be in certain places with my relationships. He's been struggling with his anxiety and feeling over-worked again saying 'yes' to too many work commitments, not sleeping well at all and not seeming himself and feeling down about comparing himself to others etc but I'm feeling the toll on myself too again :(   A couple of nights ago we were watching a film and he randomly started asking me what sort of wedding I'd want and stating what he doesn't think he'd want, he's thinking he just wants something small etc, I was like  "I don't know?! We're not even engaged

Watched a few films this year, new and old, thought I'd do a blog about which I'd recommend and which I wouldn't.  I won't be adding every single one, some I've started watching and had enough of and turned off, others I've tuned out of if they didn't full hold my attention so wouldn't be fair to review! Will update as the year goes on.  Comedy Wanderlust (Netflix) A nit of a daft modern comedy starring Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston about a couple that find themselves living in a hippy commune bringing strain to their relationship.  Certainly not a classic in any way, but it was okay as something light to watch one evening and had its moments. Despite liking Anison and Rudd, it's nowhere close to up there with my favourite comedies or anything, just a bit of sillyness. 5/10 Horror Scream (cinema) As a fan of the original trilogy (4th was meh! I have a box set of the first 3 so it's a trilogy to me...) I was excited but cautious about this, espec

lots of things.  Late night ponderings. Feeling sad. You know when you just want need a hug and that feeling of support from someone and want to be able to trust people around you 100%?  Also, not being able to scream into the world all the reasons why you get these feelings and worries.  I guess this is my vague way of doing that, trying to ease the stress and sadness a bit without actually sharing as such.  Some of the things I'd forgotten myself but had reminders of this eve and, my days,  people can be truly awful.  So immoral and with such horrid ways of looking at things and saying things... Distracting myself with writing. Writing and looking up those daft Leonardo with a smug face memes. Sillyyyyy. They're helping though. As is the writing. I do worry though. People are a disappointment really, aren't they? Generally.  They all just let you down.  That's how I'm feeling about the World this evening I guess. Wanting the best for someone, for them to be bet

I never thought I'd be writing this, but I have officially stood up on a stage in front of an audience and danced a burlesque routine all on my own to a room full of people with all of their eyes on me... more than once now. How!? I genuinely don't know so if anyone can explain please do! Back when I lived in Liverpool I went to something called Dr Sketchy's, a burlesque life drawing class where performers do a routine in front of an audience of artists then pose to be drawn in their costumes, it was great. The costumes were so beautiful and that vintage style was a joy to draw. It got me into doing illustrations for performers as a bit of income for myself and began my own interest in vintage style fashion. I admired their grace and confidence, how wonderful they looked, like showgirls of another era, I'd love to look like that! When I moved to Derbyshire in 2011 I had contact with a few performers through my art stuff, and I ended up having a beginners burlesque class

So one big thing that's been going on in my life lately has been the process of selling my house and looking for a new, bigger one with my other half.  It's been quite a rollercoaster... I moved a few times as a kid, but as an adult, without my parents, I've only ever moved from a rented flat into a rented house (so an exciting improvement), and from a rented house into buying my first one. So it's always been about leaving somewhere that wasn't 'mine'/I was just renting and somewhere with issues. This time it feels so different. This has been my house and home for years. I've loved it here.  It's such a cool house, with lovely wooden floors, original 30s/40s doors with bakelite handles, a beautiful south facing great sized garden, a quiet street.  But, unless we extended and lost the space/drive on the side (it's a semi-detached) it will always just be a 2 bed house, and when you both work from home and have fair bit of 'stuff', there ju